Let me warn you, this is about to get personal
It is 12:15 A.M. and it is officially father's day. What does father's day mean to me? Absolutely nothing. I am one of those people whose parents divorced, and my father came in and out of my life for a while, and then just completely vanished. I'd like to save you the drama story, and tell you that it didn't affect me at all, that I grew up perfectly fine and unaware of my strange situation. But that would be a lie. There were times were I was deeply hurt, confused, and left empty.
My parents divorced before I was 2. My mom remarried when I was 4 to a man that I was supposed to call "dad". I never liked ( and still don't like ) calling him dad, because he has never been a dad to me. Yes, has always provided me a place to live, and yes he has bought me things, and yes he has been there, but overall, I still am uncomfortable with my mom referring to him as my "dad". I am supposed to call him that out of respect, and that's what bothers me.
If anything, my stepdad has only been a negative effect on my view of relationships. My mom and my stepdad don't talk, they don't look like they love each other, and there were many times he took out his anger, and still does, on me and my sisters. Nothing physically of course, but just yelling, making us feel useless, beneath him, and overall, not worth his time and undeserving. I would always yell back and argue with him, because I could never accept him telling me these things, even at a young age, so after a while he stopped trying to fight with me, knowing it was a lost cause. While I am grateful for the things he has done, I feel like I had always been cast to the side. I could never find a reason why my mom would be with this man, and that has always confused relationships to me. I didn't know if I should stay with someone even though they had a million things I disliked, just because of the 2 things I did like. In a sense, I saw my mom settling, so I figured that that's what you had to do in a relationship... settle. I fear it will have the same affect on my sisters.
As for my real father. I saw him twice while I was young. And a couple more times when I was older. The last time was him meeting my daughter, his first grandchild. He took us shopping, bought her some things, and disappeared once again. I talked to him on the phone and that was it. After talking to some family members of his, I soon discovered how he had lied about pretty much everything in his life. He had betrayed me many times, and now here, a couple of years later, I have yet to hear from him, and I think I am ok with that. It took me awhile to realize that the problem was never me, it was him. For a long time I thought that maybe he would change and find a way to love me and want to spend time with me. But you can't sit here wishing people to change, when in reality, they just can't. I can accept that he is my father, but I won't allow myself to be bothered and distressed by him anymore.
Sometimes I fear that Adam will let Truly down. Overall, he's an awesome dad. Our relationship has always been a roller coaster, but he's consistently an awesome dad. I hope that today he is reminded that it is such a rewarding job.
So Father's Day 2009 is here. Yet, I do not know how to celebrate it.