I don't know what it is but this thing called insomnia has had a grip on me for the past week. Maybe it's just the busy-ness of launching the Lady Bloggers Society, school starting up for me again this semester, and this baby inside of me somersaulting all over the place, but lately I've been one mess of a mommy.
It could be though that I'm not sleeping because I have a lot on my mind. I never like to get too personal on my blog, but to be quite honest, I've been battling back and forth with these awful things called my emotions. I could blame the pregnancy if I wanted, oh could I blame the pregnancy, but my mind has been a constant wanderer, taking my heart with it. To make an extremely long story short, I've been battling with who I am, who I want to be, who I want with me, and who I should share my life with. I've had to make some decisions, important decisions, and dealing with second guessing myself. Let me tell you if you don't already know, not being sure of yourself ... sucks. What makes it harder is also that now as a mom, whatever choices you make will affect your children: whether it's letting someone into your life, letting someone out, changing a job, or even packing up and moving. Your choices are really no longer your choices.
So I lay awake, hour after hour, mostly using my time productively, but other times staring into space, questioning myself. I guess my conclusion is that even the wrong decisions can be the right ones. I know it sounds all twisted and backwards and it didn't make sense to me at first either, but think about it ... even when you make the wrong decision, the right one will come in time, and what you took away was a lesson learned. So why torture yourself, and beat yourself up over wondering if you made the right choice or not, and just live and let live. Now if I could just convince myself to believe this, I should be ok.
My mind has been wandering and I sit here on my bed and try to settle my mind enough to fall asleep. I sit here telling myself to keep listening to my heart, trust my choices, and give time a chance to work it's magic.
I suffer from insomnia too. Hence me posting at 2am. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I'm 30.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it out.
Found you through the SITS
I am suffering along with you. I FINALLY talked to my doctor about it, and she gave me some great non medicated ideas, and they work MOST of the time.
ReplyDeleteI know youll figure out that the only one who can decide what is right is you, and you are ALLOWED to change your mind..lol.
OMG! I'm in the same "place" as you right now. I owe all my uncertainty to my daughter LOL before I had her, I was Miss Decision Maker. Now? I obssess over the tiniest thing and whether or not I'm making the correct decision and it's with EVERYTHING. Her dad just looks at me like I'm nuts sometimes but I can only think "is this what's best for her?" I've had a few friendships dissolve since I've had her too and all I can tell myself is that it's for the best because I don't need people like that around her. It's almost like I've lost my identity in the process of making sure she is ok. LOL I guess this is what being a mom is about...lack of sleep and trying to hold onto your sanity with the free hand that isn't tending to your child(ren)!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing though. I feel better knowing I'm not going crazy LOL
I have those nights all the time, and it is hard with two kids that are so small on top of it.
ReplyDeleteStoppin' by from SITS!
Danielle: Occasionally my daughter will wake up and see the computer screen on and think it's time to watch TV. When she wakes up too, now THAT'S the hardest! :-)
ReplyDeleteAssertive Wit: UGH Tell me about itttt! With Truly being almost 3, I thought I just now started figuring myself out again, but then being pregnant with another one, I lost it again. I don't think that "is this best for her?" question will ever end, oh well, this is what we signed up for! lol
M: I think I'm just starting to accept the fact that it is okay to change my mind. And would love to hear your tips!
Adrienne: Thanks for stopping by! That is definitely one of the harder decisions, but unless your still breathing it's never too late! Good luck! :-)