I don't know what it is but this thing called insomnia has had a grip on me for the past week. Maybe it's just the busy-ness of launching the Lady Bloggers Society, school starting up for me again this semester, and this baby inside of me somersaulting all over the place, but lately I've been one mess of a mommy.
It could be though that I'm not sleeping because I have a lot on my mind. I never like to get too personal on my blog, but to be quite honest, I've been battling back and forth with these awful things called my emotions. I could blame the pregnancy if I wanted, oh could I blame the pregnancy, but my mind has been a constant wanderer, taking my heart with it. To make an extremely long story short, I've been battling with who I am, who I want to be, who I want with me, and who I should share my life with. I've had to make some decisions, important decisions, and dealing with second guessing myself. Let me tell you if you don't already know, not being sure of yourself ... sucks. What makes it harder is also that now as a mom, whatever choices you make will affect your children: whether it's letting someone into your life, letting someone out, changing a job, or even packing up and moving. Your choices are really no longer your choices.
So I lay awake, hour after hour, mostly using my time productively, but other times staring into space, questioning myself. I guess my conclusion is that even the wrong decisions can be the right ones. I know it sounds all twisted and backwards and it didn't make sense to me at first either, but think about it ... even when you make the wrong decision, the right one will come in time, and what you took away was a lesson learned. So why torture yourself, and beat yourself up over wondering if you made the right choice or not, and just live and let live. Now if I could just convince myself to believe this, I should be ok.
My mind has been wandering and I sit here on my bed and try to settle my mind enough to fall asleep. I sit here telling myself to keep listening to my heart, trust my choices, and give time a chance to work it's magic.